Random thoughts at night, A silent kill

How life has changed...
from eagerly waiting to be loved
to be desperate of finding someone to love!
What has happened to the love of my life?
Some thoughts literally pierce my heart like a knife!

I always had the attention of my father
Until I married this Man, 
This Man who was more than everything else
but has time changed or just my thoughts rather?

Where are the days when someone admired me
I now lost my voice, my soul still alive
Deep inside is a cry which only I hear
No i don't want to cry aloud,
My children are still asleep

That moment when i see them sleep
This moment is the most peaceful one
For a moment I have no other thought
And then this insecure moment starts creeping in

What happened to the man, who gave me all joy
Now i have none to share my pain
We find each other so different
so different from what i have seen
has it something to do with time
or will time change this presumed notion

I have umpteen thoughts about my future
My throat is choked with a dying voice
Subtle enough to shout and make some noise
Noise i now make, is to liberate
While what others hear is that from an empty vessel

Vessel that is choked with all the negative energy
trying to fall and roll so as to empty the content
the very rolling has made it filthy
but the vessel never cease to roll as it falls into the sea
washing itself, yet filled again again and sunk deep into the sea

The elixir that filled me so much, I am sunk
Sunk with the love, I have for this man
Unable to do anything, but just his love thoughts
i die deep inside unable to raise myself from the weight
But his absence in my life is making me starve

Its not intimacy or lust that I long for
Sometimes the very presence of him.
I hope it transforms into long hours
Long hours of talking and cuddling
I miss what I want to have.
i crave for this feeling deep down.

3 minutes I wrote this down
Now how long can you spare
to read this one, dear mine
I only wish you are still aware!

-Pushpa Bhagyam aka. Asha

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